Hello interwebs! I haven’t done a post where I’m just casually talking about things for a while so I thought I’d bring that back today. I wanted to talk about something that has been on my mind lately as I am settling into the routine of college, becoming comfortable with being yourself.
For some people, this might have always been easy. For others, it takes us a while to fully be comfortable with showing people who we really are. Whether it is because of insecurities or lack of trust it all comes back to not wanting to share your actual self with the world. I always thought of this as putting on different masks. I’ve grown up being a people pleaser, as most people ( I think) who have had issues with this. We want to please everyone around us so depending on our situations we act and dress in different ways in order to please those people. On top of that, the people who have mental illnesses also create another mask in order to hide symptoms or to seem normal.
All through high school, I wore masks, and I became very good at hiding them. I had a mask for my friends, a mask for my family ( who didn’t yet know of my anxiety issues), a mask for people who didn’t know me, a mask for my teachers and fellow classmates. Every day I would flip through these different personas that I had created in order to somewhat please everyone around me. Toward the end of my senior year, and after I was dating Ian for quite some time, I had become tired of pleasing everyone. I had become tired of faking who I actually was so that my extremely fake friends would kinda tolerate my existence. So I stopped. I stopped pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I started calling people out for not treating me right ( as a friend) and demanded that I had people around me who gave me the same time of day as I did them.
That summer, I felt like I gained a sort of independence. Not so much a physical one, that being a free to be the person I wanted to be, but a mental independence; where I gained the courage and audacity to live life as my genuine self, regardless of who liked me or not. That is when I left for college. Of course, leaving for college was a nerve wracking experience ( as I have previously mentioned) and that dwindled my new found confidence. However, as I have also mentioned, my campus is a place where people from many different backgrounds reside, leaving a hodgepodge of different interests and fashion styles. Getting to the whole point of why I am writing this, college is a time where you are supposed to be yourself or for that matter, try to figure out who that person is supposed to be. In finding that person, you gain a comfort of being in your own skin which for someone who hasn’t ever had that feeling, it’s utterly exhilarating.
For those people out there who are still struggling with this ( trust me I still am battling with my own self-image every day), I offer some advice. The best thing I can tell you is to fundamentally look at who you are, what you believe in, what you want to become, and who you want to be like. This allows you to figure out who you are as a person as well as looking into some of the things that you want to emulate in your daily life. The next thing I suggest is to stop caring. I mean this in the most genuine and nice way. If you stop caring what other people think about you ( which in college they really don’t care) you start living not for other people, but for yourself. You build a reputation off of the person that you’d want to be friends with and when you are truly yourself like that, the right kinds of people will flock to you.
Of course, there will be bad days, I still question my boyfriend all the time about what he thinks of me. I think it’s almost normal to question the relationships around us. Not because we will know they secretly hate us, rather, because we wish that they will tell us how much they need us. Everyone deserves to be needed, and if you aren’t needed right now, someone will come along who needs you like they need oxygen to breathe. And that will change everything.
Best of luck to everyone out there. Stay kind, stay truthful, stay humble, stay you.
Love and best wishes,
” You have been worth every letter typed on my keyboard, every breath I take for words. You are the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. You are worth more to me than you will ever understand”